Make Love Not whore

I’ve always been a ropeless homantic. The chocolates, roses and long walks on the beach holding hands?  Yes, Daddy!

The problem is that these romantic tendencies have lived predominantly in my head and haven’t really manifested much further than that.

I’ve kept things light and fluffy and haven’t allowed things to get too deep for a long time.

I think it’s because I have gradually come to express my sexuality as a type of trade exchange, rather than as meaningful encounters or opportunities to truly connect with another soul. I’ve just wanted dick and ass – basically.

I have been meeting, mating and then departing rather quickly thereafter.  The classic step 1. Find… step 2. Fuck and then step 3. Fuck off!

But I think that this has been to my own detriment too.  I cannot remember the last time I made love with someone. Shagging – plenty!  But intimacy, bonding, affection and connecting? Nancy Drew the line girl.

Nowadays, with social media, you can find someone to send you 3D megapixel closeup image of his man meat before you even know his star sign or drag name.

Imagine, I can see a small freckle on a guy’s nought in full HD before I’ve even heard the sound of his voice.  Sex has begun to lose a lot of its connection and sensitivity.  It’s become an impersonal and almost mechanical act because it is so easy to find someone to fuck without having to get to know anything about them.

‘What’s your name again?”

“Never mind, pass the poppers.”

Licensed counsellor and professor, Suzanna Degges White says that we need to learn how to be intimate with ourselves first before we can really enjoy being intimate with others.

In an article for Psychology Today, she says, “personal intimacy is about being willing to let someone see you as you truly are while being willing to let yourself see that person as he or she truly is. It is about lack of artifice or protection and requires great courage for most people as it lays raw the bits and pieces of ourselves and our history that we would rather others not realize we carry with us.”

In other words, being intimate means being vulnerable. Vulnerable to being hurt and being seen and potentially even being judged.  And maybe this is my projection, but I think we are all terrified of being judged no matter how often we post that we have “zero fucks to give” on social media.

The way to be more truly intimate with others is to be more intimate with yourself first, says prof Degges White and the way to do that is getting validation from yourself rather than trying to be validated by the strangers that we fuck.

“He was hot, and he let me bareback him so I must be a worthwhile person!”  There must be a better way Mary.

“By intentionally choosing to spend time alone, you are also acknowledging the worth of your personhood—and the value inherent in being who you are. The need to surround yourself with the company of others often reflects needs to measure self-worth by popularity or to provide “evidence” of your social desirability.”

So, in this way, maybe the most romantic thing I can do is hold my own hand as I take that long walk on the beach solo, and okay…. compromise… Maybe there can be some chocolate involved too.

 
The Little Poof is a contributing writer for Anova Health Institute.  These are his views, which may or may not reflect those of Anova and its affiliates.