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Hiberdating: Finding someone to keep you warm for the winter

I’m too much of an ‘Ola Pastry’ (old poof) these days, to really be able to comment on the mating habits of the Mavises (or perhaps the plural is Mavi?) still on the nightlife scene.

But, be that as it Gay, I remember that every year this time, mid to late Autumn, all my fellow gays would suddenly start coupling and batting down the hatches (biatches?) in preparation for the cold that was coming.

Cape Town was relentless in those days, excuse me as I reach for my bedazzled Zimmer frame, but not only did it rain in Cape Town back then, but it would do so incessantly all blerrie gloomy winter-long. Nancy glam. Nothing dried properly and eventually everything started to smell a bit miff and I constantly felt damp and cold like my bitter and single soul. Jokes!  I was still young and unjaded then.

Eish, those days in a constantly cold, wet and windy iKapa, I would get Debrah (depressed) for the First Team and console myself with cheap red wine and far too much pizza.  Luckily, I was still a Twink then with the metabolism of a Whippet so I could eat and drink all that Shiela (poopoo), be Mary, and still look like a flesh condom pulled over a ribcage.


The boys would quickly scramble to find a part-time short-term winter warmer that could see them through those Hilda (hideous) months, and I would try to join the fray.  I usually only dated tourists (so ideal, because their flights home was like a sell-by-date) but Cape Town winters kept all the pretty Dutch foreigners away so I would have to try and develop a taste for local flavour for the drizzy mizzy season at least.

My younger friends tell me that this tradition is still going strong.  Couples still collect like acne on a steroid back when it starts getting cold outside. The major difference, however, is that the singletons no longer loiter at the club’s entrance early hours of the morning hoping to be a takeaway.

Instead, they stay home on the couch glued to their phones waiting for an all too familiar “BrrrrP” from their Grind App to indicate that they may have something warm and gooey to look forward to.

Look, it’s far more sensible.  I used to freeze my tiny white Hazel (bum) off outside those clubs waiting to be discovered by Prince Farming, but now these young ones can trawl the talent from the warmth and comfort of their own hovels.

They may have terrible posture, but millennials really do know how to do things in a far more practical and comfortable way than I ever did.  I think I started smoking just so that I would have something to do outside the club, like a pathetically small fire to warm myself against as I waited in vain.

Well, if that’s you and you are hoping to find someone to settle in or shack up with for just the next three months to make sure your dangly bits don’t freeze off…

My wish for you is that you get struck by a terrible and unceasing Love.  A Love that cannot be confined to three nippy months.  I hope your Fairy Queer Mother casts a spell on you that you fall madly in Love in a meaningful, real and earthy way.  In a challenging and sometimes really shit but ‘we can get through this together’ kind of way. Real connection is so lovely and so worth it, and darlings, so are you!

Because otherwise, you’re just ‘hiberdating’.

Big Love,
The Little Poof!

The Little Poof is a contributing writer for the Anova Health Institute and these are his views, which may or may not reflect those of Anova and its affiliates.

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